Name WitheLd

The bright side is, even with all this stress and bs going on, I am staying strong with being 668 days pull-free! I’ve been incredibly tempted to just go on a pulling spree, but all of my hard work would be undone and that would mean that I let the stress win. Nope! Holding my head high through all of this!

I have no outlet anywhere else, because mutual friends with soon-to-be-ex or family will read it. 

I am completely overwhelmed by everything, not just with this divorce process. Ex has been very nasty towards me, and it’s hard because we still live together. I was in  a 3 car accident on Sunday, me being the middle car, and I am not able to drive because my car is undriveable [leaking fluids and smashed on both ends], and I am on heavy pain medication and muscle relaxers. I have no way of getting to work, because apparently, it’s selfish of me to rely on my NCOIC [non-commissioned officer in charge] to help me out. She flipped shit on me yesterday when she had to take me home. The first thing I was briefed on by her when I first started back on these orders was, “We’re a family. We take care of each other. If you need me or SFC Green, you let us know. We’ll do what we can to help.” I’m finding it bullshit now. I try not to take off during work hours to complete what I needed for this divorce, and always tried to do it at lunch. Unfortunately, I had to go at 1000 one time and of course, that was asking waaaay too much. I’m only asking that she be sensitive to my needs right now. I’m still an efficient worker and I get all of my tasks completed, even take on ones that I shouldn’t. I don’t mind, because it keeps me busy. But the moment I have a sign of weakness about this divorce, I’m in the wrong. So, I’m not supposed to cry or be angry? Lady, I’ve spent 5 years with this person, granted most of those years he was gone on deployment. My heart is shattered and even though it’s almost been a month, things are still hard on me.

He has begun dating my ex-best friend, A [she ended our friendship two days after he told me he wanted a divorce] and does it out of spite because he knows how it tears me down. I’ve stopped showing him any sign of emotion and any sign that I still care. Yesterday, he came home from a romantic getaway weekend with her. He was so nice to me and wasn’t nasty like he was before. That didn’t last too long. He went out last night and came back in and he was spit and fire, again. He was telling me things that my supposed best friend, D [friend of A] had said to him that I had confided in her about. I ripped into D last night and all she could say was, “Well, you did things behind his back, too. Soon, this will all be over with and you can get away from him purposely hurting you.” Excuse me? I told her that it didn’t justify her telling him what I confided in her about. He uses that shit against me! Just more dead weight I should have dropped ages ago. How was I supposed to know I couldn’t count on my best friend? Either of them, in fact. Hm.

Because Ex and I are still on the same insurance policy and he is the primary account holder, he had to give permission for my insurance company to give me information about my claim, despite it being about my car. What…? Now he can see my claim, but I can’t [because our status is separated, which they said was to protect the privacy of each other, but it doesn’t make sense if he can see my stuff!]. I can’t even see my policy. They open up at 0800 so I can talk with them about having me see it and him not. That’s not protecting my privacy. 

The divorce papers came in yesterday and I’ve already signed my part. I just need to fork over $230 to file. I already paid $300 for the papers. This is becoming expensive. Sheesh. I told Ex that he was paying half. He didn’t even fight me on it, because he wants this over with as soon as possible as well. I figure I will write out the checks today and send them by tomorrow. After that, he will be served and we wait 60 days for a final hearing and then we are divorced. Done with each other for life. It’s weird, but I’m starting to feel relief already. I don’t have to deal with his manipulation tactics anymore, his anger issues, him never being home when I need him [not his fault, he was deployed], not being the only grown up in this relationship, or getting flack for having male friends. Apparently, that meant that I was not committed to Ex and it automatically meant that something was going on between male friends and myself. Ok. 

It feels good to finally vent without feeling like I’m being weak about this. I have been keeping my head up throughout all of this and have a plan to get away. The sooner, the better.

Contemplating a breast reduction. I’ve had large breasts since the 4th grade, because my body decided to be a show off and bloom way early. I’ve always had trouble fitting into clothes, finding decent bras [sports and regular], and being self-confident. I cannot look at my breasts when they’re naked. I feel they’re disgusting and sag. When I lay down, they sag on either side of me into my arm pits. And they’re just plain heavy. The stories I’ve read on tumblr and other testimonies, the girls have much bigger breasts than I do. I used to have size DD, but I worked out and lost a full cup size. I still want them smaller and I’m pretty sure this is the smallest they will get. 

There are multiple reasons why I’m fearful of getting a reduction. Hideous scars, lost nipple sensitivity, oddly shaped breasts, unable to breast feed [when the time comes]. I know that if I go through with it, I’ll be much happier because I won’t have anymore pain in my neck/shoulders/back. I currently have to wear two sports bras to run. I have to go up the next size in button down shirts just so I won’t have a gap. I hate when girls say they would love to have my size. Don’t ever wish for bigger breasts. They’re not all that.